I was doing the dishes this morning when Fox News came on with a report that Disneyworld would begin allowing dogs at four of their hotels.
Our dog was sitting nearby at the refrigerator.
“Did you hear that?” I asked. “You could go to Disneyworld with us now.”
He gave me a long look of disbelief followed by an angry stare.
“Oh, so now Iger has decided it’s all right for us to go to his beloved playground. How nice of him,” he said sarcastically. “Isn’t he running for president? For years they’ve portrayed us as Goofy and Pluto, the stupidest characters they have. Not even as smart as a mouse. Now this species-ist wants our money.
“I bet you he discriminates against big dogs, too. Tubbies over 50 pounds will have to pay an extra charge, right? Shedding fees? Carpet taxes? More discrimination! There’s always a slight.”
“You mean you wouldn’t want to go?” I asked. “You get a free dog bowl.”
He was incredulous. “For years we were kept out of his restaurants and his hotels. That is, except for a few who had to wear a special garment to indicate they were working for the man. Oh, and he was fine with using us for sniffing out bombs and risking our lives,” he continued. “But now, suddenly we’re not going to be discriminated against anymore. What species-ist garbage!”
He wasn’t through. “Let me guess. One of the hotels we get to go to is the one with the alligators on its doorstep. Sure. Use a dog as bait, huh? What, do they have a problem with rats at another one? Pretend to allow terriers in there to do his dirty work again? No thanks.”
I sheepishly admitted that one of the hotels was the one with the alligators.
“I knew it!” he said. “The next thing they’ll do is complain that a dog peed on a bed. Especially a conservative dog. Then you’re looking at a golden showers dossier all over again!”
I had to admit he had a point.
“Iger just wants the dog vote in 2020,” he continued. “Not this cur!”
I was just about to speak when he burst out. “And don’t call me a cur-mudgeon. I can tell you’re about to do it. What’s next at Disney? A Dog Lives Matter t-shirt? They should bury this idea like a bone in the backyard.”
“Calm down,” I said.
He didn’t look like he would any time soon.
“This is going to take a trip to Hollywood Feed’s bakery, isn’t it?” I asked.
“At the least,” he said. “And I want the big strawberry cake,” he said, making air quotes around cake with his paws. “The one that’s $20.”
“I’ll get my keys.”