Things I’d like to see in 2011:
ABC, NBC and CBS decide to leave New York. They feel they are too out of touch with flyover America. ABC picks Abilene, Kansas, for its headquarters. “We’re all sick of $6 lattes, fashionistas and frou frou food. Time to get real,” the president says. NBC picks Springfield. Any Springfield. “Since Springfield is one of the most common names in rural America, we’ll just find one in each state and move around to it. How’s that for innovation?” the chief honcho said. CBS picks Tickfaw, Louisiana, as its news center. “Hey the weather’s better here than in New York, even with a hurricane or two,” says its president. “And the danger of a terrorist attack is about zero,” he adds. “We can finally learn how to use a gun, hunt and fish.”
Then, I’d like to see cameras in the White House, taping the first couple. We could luck out and see Obama smoking his head off, maybe interrupted in his man cave by Michelle, toting a gallon of truffle chocolate explosion, with a package of ho hos under her arm. Try denying that one!
I’d like for Chris Matthew’s leg to stop tingling. The ugh factor on that expression never fails to reassert itself. Isn’t it time he saw a doctor about that? Better do it now, before Obamacare kicks in and your wait is 7 months, Chris.
Shelby County GOP’s own Don Johnson is made head of the RNC. “Finally we get someone competent in here,” the RNC board says. Johnson vows not to ignore Shelby County. “We’re going to put all our resources in there to turn that nest of ignorant liberals back to the people. Never again will I have to look at a COEXIST bumper sticker or Gore/Lieberman on the back of a Midtown Prius.”
In a related turn of events, Steve Cohen decides not to run in the 9th district. After the census, the district is expanded to include blood red bastions of Republicanism. Marsha Blackburn moves here and is elected our Congressman by a landslide.
George Soros decides he’s had enough of politics and business and retires to Aruba, never to be seen or heard from again.
Rupert Murdoch buys the Commercial Appeal and sends Roger Ailes down as editor. He immediately drops Wendy Thomas, Zack Mcmillin and the editorial board. The newspaper sees an immediate effect with sales tripling and advertisers rushing to purchase full pages.
My last wish is that the past two years have all been a dream. I’ve been a sort of modern day Rip Van Winkle and wake up to find that this Obama presidency never happened at all. It’s been a nightmare and it’s over. Or, it could be like the ending of St. Elsewhere, where I find out I am austistic and have contrived the whole Obamacare, Alinsky, socialistic scenario. I shake the snow globe with all of that in it and the whole picture goes away.