By now, we’ve all been inundated with the Bill O’Reilly Superbowl interview with Obama. O’Reilly is getting a week’s worth of talk out of a 14 minute interview.
But what we didn’t get are the answers Obama would really have given. So here’s what President Obama really would have said if he could have been honest.
Q: Mubark, is he going to leave soon?
Obama: We wanted him to go right away. I mean, the guy is 83, time to give it up! But then Hillary told me he wanted to come here and collect his Social Security. and man, that’s stretched to its limit already. Then he got his hackles up and decided to stay. So, we switched on a dime – or should I say dinar (laughing) – and said, OK, you stay there for now.
Q: So you don’t know when he’s going to leave?
O: Not a clue.
Q: But the longer he stays, the more people are going to die. And the other problem is, Mubarak knows a lot of bad things about the U.S… rendition and all of that… So I’m just worried that he might go off the reservation.
O: Well, people in Egypt are already facing a food shortage. Thinning the ranks will help ease that problem. As for what Mubarak knows, well, that’s what George W. Bush is for. What a gift that man was for me. Whatever’s wrong, it’s his fault.
Q: The Muslim Brotherhood. Are they a threat to the U.S.?
O; Hey, stop your racism, Bill! It’s a religion of peace, don’t you get that? What do you want us to do? Check every Muslim who comes in the country, body shaved, doused with Brut and holding a farewell letter? I can’t intrude on their civil rights! As for Israel – whatever.
Q: A federal judge in Florida said your health care law is unconstitutional. Are you prepared for that law to go down?
O: I think that activist, right wing nut job of a judge probably has a few skeletons in his closet. We’ll find them and when we’re through, he won’t be able to order a sandwich, much less order Obamacare unlawful.
Q: The Supreme Court is going to hear this one way or the other. What are you going to do?
O: It would really be terrible, wouldn’t it, if somebody like Scalia were to take a fall? Or if Alito got food poisoning. Or somebody else had a car accident? Then I’d have to appoint a new justice and you can bet he, or she, will believe that the Affordable Care Act is as necessary and right as the air they breathe – literally.
Q: The Wall St. Journal said, and I want you to react to this, Mr. Obama is a determined man of the left whose goal is to redistribute much larger levels of income across society… the Wall St. Journal is painting you as a pretty left wing guy. You deny that?
O: And they’re just now catching on? Jeez, Joe the Plumber got it right away.
Q: But the pundits now say you’re moving to the center to raise your approval ratings. Is that true?
O: No, but you know the old saying “there’s a sucker born every minute.” I pay lip service in front of the right crowd and bingo, the lemmings will follow me all the way to November 6, 2012.
Q: What’s the worst part of the job? What’s the worst part of being president?
O: Well, Bush and Reagan were always talking about how hard it was to send young men into battle. But, I say, hey, they took that risk, they made that decision. Look, I’m not going to lose sleep over them. But what really has been hard is not being able to smoke in public! FDR did. You didn’t see Eleanor getting on his case when he took a puff, did you? Or when he, well… we’ll leave that alone right now. I’ve got an election to win.
Q: What is it about the job that has surprised you the most?
O: All this yapping whenever I want to hop on Air Force One and get pizza in Chicago or to go to New York for a Broadway play. Sure it costs a lot and ties up traffic, but that isn’t my problem.
Q: Do you think you have changed as a person since you became president?
O: No, but Valerie Jarrett has. She’s not as patient with me as she used to be. She’ll use words like “shadow president,” “who really does the heavy lifting here,” “get out and deliver the speech just as I wrote it.” Sheesh!
Q: Does it disturb you that so many people hate you?
O: I’d hate me too if I had to live under my rules. But I don’t. And, yes, we are taking names. Soon we’ll have those “reeducation camps” ready to go and then that won’t be a problem anymore.
O’Reilly: Thank you Mr. President.
O: I’m going to watch the Superbowl. Can you pass me the Doritos?