President Trump refused to be a chump for the annual White House Correspondents dinner. Instead, he ditched Washington, DC, for Washington, Michigan.
Trump gave an hour and 40 minute speech there that kept your interest in a way no “comedian” could have at their lame dinner. He was in full Trump mode – digressing, revealing and even stopping when someone in the audience got ill and calling for a doctor. No topic was off his plate. The crowd responded enthusiastically.
The WHC dinner, true to form, became a Trump bash-arama. This time Sarah Sanders got the incoming. The yucks the “comedian” host delivered were more like yucky.
A reporter who attended complained that the DC reporters showed themselves up to be even more clueless about what real Americans think, deepening and strengthening our distrust of them. Ya think?
Blogger Don Surber had the routine we’d like to see occur. He channeled his inner Triumph the insult dog and came out with a doozy:
“Thank you, it is an honor to be here tonight. So, once again President Trump skipped partying with the wallflowers because he cannot take a joke. He’s in Mar-a-Lago tonight sulking. And by sulking, I mean having the time of his life with his gorgeous model wife.
“You call this the nerd prom. That’s because for so many of you this is the first time you have a date. I haven’t seen this many virgins since I visited the Vatican.
“Bob Woodward is here. It is great to finally meet a man who inspired so many losers to become journalists. He’s finally starting to look like Robert Redford who played him in the movies. Redford didn’t age well.
“Carl Bernstein made it here tonight too. Busy season for him. A Republican is president so Bernstein has to go on CNN a lot to deliver his line, ‘Worse than Watergate.’ What a career. No one made more off three little words since Ted said, ‘I’m a Kennedy.’
“Note to April Ryan. Sarah Sanders finally made you that pecan pie you wanted. Um, I wouldn’t eat it if I were you. And not just because you could stand to lose 50 pounds.
“Is Jim Acosta here? He’s living proof that immigrants do a better job than we natives. You were born in Washington, weren’t you?
“Is Major Garrett here? What a man. What a correspondent. What a name. I cannot understand why after all these years he hasn’t been promoted. He should be a colonel by now.
“Someone wake up Chuck Todd. Oh wait, those are just his sleepy eyes. Hey, don’t be upset because the president called you Sleepy. At least he didn’t call you Dopey. He reserves that title for the people at MSNBC. Oh, I forgot. You work there too.
“Sean Hannity couldn’t make it tonight. He’s too busy eating Jimmy Kimmel’s lunch. Hannity is starting to look a little chunky, too.
“I see Jeff Zucker’s sock puppet is here tonight. Hey, Jake Tapper, how about standing up and taking a bow? What? Too hard to do with Zucker’s hand up you? How long can his arm be? He’s a foot shorter than you.
“Ah Jeff Zucker. Under his leadership a boring news channel that was in last place has become a boring Fake News channel that is in last place. Impeachment is just around the corner. Honest. This time Wile E. Coyote finally catches the Road Runner.
“Andrea Mitchell is here with her husband, Alan Greenspan. I love those November-December marriages. Till death do they part. She never thought it would take this long.
“Is Joy Reid here? Or is she too busy boycotting Doctor Seuss because he is a racist? One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. How come there is no Black Fish? And how come there is no Three Fish? Sounds Cis Binary to me.
“I see Jeff Bezos is here. It’s the light shining off his head. I get that democracy dies in darkness, but could he put a hat on one night a year? People are trying to eat.
“Is Katy Tur of MSNBC here? She is one of the bravest women in journalism. She actually slept with Keith Olbermann and admitted it.
“I see Carrot Top is here. Excuse, that’s Kathy Griffin. I should have known better. They may look the same, but he’s the one with the talent.
“And a career.
“Is Wolf Blitzer here? Everyone thinks he is dumb because he lost on Jeopardy, baby. But he is so proud of himself. Last week he completed that puzzle he was working on in a month’s time. The box said two to four years.
“Right now, Chris Cuomo is going, ‘I don’t get that joke.’ That’s because he’s still working on the puzzle. Spoiler alert, the block shaped like a triangle goes in the three-sided hole.
“What a banner year for journalism. NBC canned Matt Lauer because of sexual harassment. CBS canned Charlie Rose because of sexual harassment. Fox News canned Bill O’Reilly because of sexual harassment. Who’s next? Kent Brockman?
“PBS canned Garrison Keillor for the same reason. The tip off was when he changed the name from Lake Woebegon to Lake Wanna-see-me-naked. Nobody wants to see any man over 60 naked. Right, Andrea?
“Well, you’ve been a lovely audience. Now if you would kindly put down the pitchforks and torches, I’ll make my way out of here.”