Obama Finds Secret GOP Files

Cat’s out of the bag. Looks like President Obama got a hold of our Republican Big Book of Scary Things. He’s blown the whistle on us to the Association of American Newspaper Editors. Woe is us! Now the jig is up.

In his speech to the editors (now that’s an unbiased group, huh?) Obama opened up the Republican playbook and read our goals:

Two million mothers and young children would be cut from a program that gives them access to healthy food. There would be 4,500 fewer federal grants at the Department of Justice and the FBI to combat violent crime, financial crime, and help secure our borders. Hundreds of National Parks would be forced to close for part or all of the year. We wouldn’t have the capacity to enforce the laws that protect the air we breathe, the water we drink or the food that we eat. Our weather forecasts would become less accurate because we wouldn’t be able to afford to launch new satellites.

Yes, ever since the Bush administration tried to get arsenic in the water, the GOP has looked for ways to destroy our most basic needs. We like streams running with pollution and poisons. It’s our goal to have these in Democrat bastions like Kansas, Utah and Texas so that we can destroy our enemy. If a few of us get hurt along the way, well, who wouldn’t sacrifice a child or two for the Republican Party?

Personally, until the air is thick enough to chip out a chunk, I don’t think we have gone far enough. It’s widely known in the inner GOP that gas mask makers are among our biggest supporters and we want to reward them with an uptick in their manufacture. In the meantime, we will all rush out and buy stock in those companies so we can really make a killing!

Since none of us cares about healthy food or obesity (Chris Christie is our effort to deny this and we wheel him out from time to time to speak), let’s make sure there isn’t any good food. It’s all in the plan. Everyone knows defibrillator makers are Republicans and constantly pressing for the removal of fruits and vegetables in poorer communities. When any of these unfortunates starts having a heart attack, that’s when we make our money!

Yes, Mr. President, Republicans do want more crime. This is payback to our gun lobby supporters. We want every American to need a gun to help them out. If a few of us get killed or raped, well, that’s understandable. We’ll just take one for the team, eh?

And it’s common knowledge that Republicans want open borders even though we say we don’t. Mr. President, you’ve seen through the ruse. We want people of all types flooding in across our borders. Mexicans can do our lawns and eventually will agree to the new slavery our leader, Abraham Lincoln, was really pushing for. If a few terrorists get through, we’ll just blame it on Obama. That 9/11 was an inside job worked so well against Bush that we’ll regift it to Obama. If we get really lucky, he’ll be watching a Michael Moore movie with grade school students when it happens.

We got nailed by DOJ chief Eric Holder on Fast and Furious, too. Obviously that was a Bush era program to get Mexicans to kill each other. Nevermind that a border agent was killed in 2010; it was still Bush people like Holder behind the plan.

As for national parks, that’s very insightful of you, Mr. Obama. There’s nothing a Republican likes more than to close the park gates on a family trying to enjoy our national assets. It doesn’t further any cause, but it’s just good, clean schadenfreude fun!

We wanted to close down NASA, too, and stop our space program that sends satellites like the weather ones you referenced in orbit. Florida and Texas, obviously anti GOP states, needed a lesson that shutting down the aerospace industry gave them. It was done in the Obama administration, but obviously by GOP chiefs behind the scenes! The last thing we want to provide the American people are accurate weather forecasts. Keep them in the dark is what we all say at GOP HQ. Getting killed by a tornado or storm in flyover country just leaves more for the rest of us.

At least President Obama didn’t find out about our planned attacks on Mom and apple pie. We’ve long yearned for the decline of the American family. Mom gets in the way of government telling everyone what to do! She’s been a thorn in our side for decades.

In the closing years of the 20th century we stealthily attacked apples with our secret alar program to spray them with toxic chemicals. It worked for a while, but even Meryl Streep’s help couldn’t get the program to conclusion. Maybe Paula Deen can help us out…

In the meantime, RNC headquarters needs to get a better security system. We can’t let the president keep finding out our plans!

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